The Same Mistake

I keep making the same mistake. I keep falling for people who don’t care enough about me to catch me. It’s a bad habit, and it is slowly killing me. I thought this time would be different. I should have known better. People like me are meant to be alone. I don’t want to be hurt anymore. I hate this numb feeling that is building in my chest. I’m done standing in front of the mirror trying to cover up my ruined mascara. Isolation will be my savior.

Everything I Am Trying To Say

I want to tell you so many things. I want to tell you about how happy I used to be, so you understand why it is so important that you make me smile. I want to tell you about my past relationships, so you understand why everyone is so surprised that I like you. I want to tell you about the nightmares I have, so you understand why I’m always tired. My head is a war zone right now. Torn in two, and both sides are fighting for you. Can’t you see the little things in life are all that matter to me? I don’t want fancy things, just a text at night so I know you’re thinking about me. I don’t want to go anywhere. I just want to be by your side. I wish I had better words so I could tell you the truth.

I Can’t Wait For Forever

So much has happened today, and there is so much I want to say. I just wish I knew how to say it. I just wish I knew what words I could string together that would form a sentence that would make you understand. You make me so happy, just doesn’t seem like enough. I will wait for you doesn’t sound right either. Maybe it’s because it’s not the full story. You make me happy, but the voices in my head use it against me. It won’t last they scream. He will leave you they shout. Maybe they’re right maybe one day you will leave like everyone else. I can’t worry about that right now, I’m too busy thinking about your eyes and that contagious smile. I will wait for you, just isn’t the full story either. I will wait for you, but I won’t wait for forever. My depression won’t let me. All it does is talk about how you’ll find someone new. When I’m around you it doesn’t seem true, but late at night long after you go to bed and I’m all alone, it’s the only thought in my head. I’m sorry it had to be this way. I’m sorry life is so confusing.

Brown

Recently my friend described the color red without ever saying red. They way she described it was so beautiful, that I thought I would give it a try.

Brown, is the color of the dirt she rose from after she fell for a man who didn’t stay long enough to catch her. It is the color of her hair, that was just as wild and as untamable as she was. The man who helped her up from the dirt had eyes that were this color, so chocolatey she thought she would melt. Those who paid close attention would find her smiling every time she saw the color. To her it was more than just a color, to her it was proof that she could survive the worst. To her it was the color of her savior’s eyes, eyes she wouldn’t be able to forget. You may look at the color in disgust, but don’t expect her to.

Better Than You Think You Are

I’m trying to forget about it, like doing so will make it go away. I don’t want to get too attached because everyone leaves. I won’t ever hate you, I just can’t do it. Even if what you are saying turns out to be a lie. You gave me hope. You gave me a smile. I know that when you leave you will take the smile with you, but for right now I’m going to enjoy how great it feels to have my cheeks hurt so much. It’s been so long since I’ve cried tears of joy. Thank you. Thank you for giving me these sweet words.

I’m Tired

I am tired. Not the kind of tired that everyone else feels. I am tired of trying to fight for people who would never throw a punch for me. I want to tell you that I’m dying on the inside, that the toxins of the arguments I hear far to often have finally gotten to me. I am choking on the tears that I have been hiding from you. You ask me if I’m okay, and I hesitate. Am I ok? I’ll tell you, yes to keep you from the pain. I’m too afraid to tell you about the tears because this disease is contagious, it will kill you like it killed me. This disease will keep you up at night. It will force you to stain your pillow with tears. There is no surviving this. You should run while you can. I don’t want to hurt you.

A Walk To Clear The Air

Last night I wasn’t, we’ll say nice, last night I wasn’t nice to someone who means a lot to me. I could give you a thousand reasons, but I have no idea if any of them are true. I could blame my grandparents, I could say that their constant arguments have made me depressed again. But that’s not fair to them. I could say it was the nightmare, that I was afraid of losing you so I thought pushing you away would be better. But that makes no sense. I have all these reasons. I was going to walk by myself, clear my head. You had other ideas. Walking with you was more relaxing then I thought it would be. Thank you. If I had walked alone the bad thoughts would have accompanied me.

I’m Not Dead Yet

I didn’t think I could fall for someone this hard after everything I have been through. It’s more than just your smile. It’s everything about you. The way you talk about everything, and nothing in the same sentence. How you’re a gentleman with a side order of bad boy. It’s how you make me smile on nights that I thought I was going to cry myself to sleep. It’s your eyes and the calming glow they have to them. It’s everything. It just started with your smile.

Sincerely

I never forgot about you. I tried, but I just can’t forget about what we used to be. We used to fight a lot, and it ended messy. I can’t change that now. There are some days I wish I had never left you. I keep telling myself it’s better this way, that you are dangerous. Never seems true, though. I thought I could fill the void, but I’m alone. I don’t what you back. I just wish I hadn’t left.

I Got Good At Lying

You see me, but not the tears that run down my face. You’ve probably rationalized that I’m smiling and blushing so I must be happy. One tear is so easy to hide. The hard part is holding it in. Trying to ignore the screaming. Trying to forget about. Trying to forget I’m me. It’s the only way I won’t cry. My pillow has enough stains on it. If they want to scream fine. If he doesn’t want me fine. I’m better than this. Why am I letting it get to me? Because they shouldn’t be screaming. Because I fell for him, and he didn’t catch me so I broke. It’s okay. I’ve labeled all the pieces I know how to put them back together, after all this isn’t my first time, and you learn from your mistakes.