I’ve always blamed my anger on other things. But now that it is suffocating me I know it’s all my own. A part of me that no one can control. A good man going to war may be fear inducing but have you ever watched a lady laugh and smile with a clenched fist. When a good man goes to war you know what is coming they are blunt. When a lady goes to war however worlds end and they end with a vicious smile being the last thing they see.
Just because I smile does not mean you have escaped my anger. I’m a daughter of war. Anger is what drives me.
I have nothing good to say on this frightful day.
All of the joy and hope I once carried seems to have once again failed me.
I try to keep my chin high, but my soul doesn’t want to follow suit.
I can smile, and force myself to be happy.
It doesn’t last, but I can be happy.
I did it again cut so deep I drew blood. The lion keeps tormenting my thoughts. I didn’t even feel the pain. Everything is numb. I’ve screamed for help so many times that my throat is hoarse. My depression keeps getting worse. If I had something that could cut me to the vein then I’d be dead. Life seems to have lost its meaning. I’m sorry…
I still remember how awe striking he was when I first met hi, now his image seems tainted with the darkness that crowds my mind. I miss the days I didn’t have to hide tears, because none were shed. Now a days they seem to roll down my face with ease. I feel like I’ve lost everything. The love I have for him feels so distant and foreign. I want to tell him but every time I try cowardice strums a cord in my heart and I’m reminded of him shaking in anger because of a simple choice I made. There was so much disappointment in his eyes. My darkness is getting darker and become to large a burden to bare. I want to draw on my wrists until the world fades to nothing.
Darling don’t fear my death. The words I wrote will hold my love for you long after I’m gone. Don’t read them with sorrow, they weren’t what caused my early death. It was the words I didn’t write, the words I ran from at night, the words that were banned in my garden. It was the words they let drip from their poisoned filled mouths that threw the dirt onto my coffin. I stopped telling you about the words because I learned you had been through been worse. I’m sorry love, please read my words with a smile on your face.
I keep touching the small rose around my neck like it will give me oxygen, like it will stop the darkness that keeps suffocating me, but it just keeps it at bay. I feel like the moon I’m given light in this dark world just because the day love me. I see little bits of light all around me, lights that don’t need anyone else to make it through. Yet here I rest clinging to him for life. I touch the rose, wishing I had a garden of them to keep me safe. He was right it is a remnant of a happy memory, but it’s just not enough. Not with a darkness that suffocates. I need a safe place, a garden full of roses to hide in until everything passes.
I’ve always been too much. I was ready to say goodbye tonight, because I had finally come to the realization of what I’m too much of. I’m too depressed. No one will ever be able to love me because of it. I think about leaving too much. I just want to get out of this cage, and fly away. I know I’m not the bird he’s looking for. I just don’t know how to tell him. How do you tell someone you love them but are afraid of their love? This waking up in the middle of the night is killing me. All of these fears I keep inside feel to real. I don’t want to lose him.