Everytime I look at him I become terrified. I can’t lose him, but old habits die hard. I have been with too many people who don’t want me because I’m funny, but rather because I’m “hot”. I became someone else because of it. Someone I don’t want to be. Someone who is sluty, and needy. He deserves better. He deserves a girl who looks in the mirror and thinks she’s beautiful, not a girl who avoids them because no amount of makeup can fix her depression. I want him to be happy. He says me being here makes him happy, but really all I’m doing is stopping him from finding the girl he deserves. I keep trying to fight these awful thoughts. I want to get better. Sometimes I wish I had wings so I could fly away. I know it sounds selfish, but he would be better off without me.
I want to be free. I want to grow wings and experience the world. I want to fly away and taste the air of different continents. Everyone says I’m running away from my problems, and maybe I am, but it’s either run and face them another day or face them today and die. I made a promise to him. To keep that promise I have to run. I wonder if he will come with me? Maybe we will explore the world together. Maybe I’ll be left alone again. I wish I didn’t have thoughts of him leaving me, but it’s always easier to run.
I’m going to be taking a break for awhile. Everything is just chaotic, and those awful thoughts are coming back. I am trying to get better, but it just doesn’t seem like I can. I’ve done everything. Usually, it works for a little while. Then something happens and I’m in this place. I can’t even write. I used to find so much joy in it. Now I’m struggling with every word. I don’t know how many times I’ve said nothing is wrong just today. How do I tell him that I’m worried he’s cheating, that I’m worried he doesn’t want me anymore? How do I tell her that I need her? I’m so focused on tests I lost myself. How do I tell my teachers that I need a break? How do I tell everyone that I’m relapsing? That I’m going back to that dark place?
I know this isn’t very traditional. I’m not very traditional. That’s why you love me right? I’m bad at this. I wanted to tell you just how much I love you, but I don’t know how to describe it. Not that not knowing will stop me.
My love for you extends beyond the reach of the stars light. My handsome man, I love you more than you will ever know. I love the way you tease me about the little things. I love the way your eyes shine when you laugh at one of my awful jokes. I love the way you pull me into hugs. I love how you are weird with me. In short, I love everything about you. I don’t think I have ever been so happy or confident in my life. I love you.
I looked over at him expecting to see his spectacular smile, but it was gone. Everything felt wrong. I had to find a way to make him smile. Why couldn’t I think? I had to think. Why wasn’t he smiling? Where did his smile go? I studied him. His eyes didn’t have their usual brightness. His voice seemed broken. His arms hung from his body. Every movement appeared to be a struggle. What could I do to make it better? I kept trying to find his smile, but it was missing.
I didn’t have the greatest night. Let me rephrase that I haven’t been sleeping well, but last night was the worst. Lately, I’ve been having awful nightmares. The kind of nightmares that feel real. Usually, I walk around with him, but I was so exhausted I just couldn’t today. We sat down and he pulled me close. My exhaustion slowly disappeared, as he rubbed my back trying to sooth me. I wish that bell had never rung.
Being in his arms, I couldn’t be happier. Dancing to every slow song that came on. I never stopped smiling. I felt so safe in his arms. A kind of safe I’ve never felt before. Every bit of me loves you. That night just proved it to me. Eventually, the night came to end. I didn’t want to let go. One last slow dance didn’t seem like enough. For the rest of the night, I looked at the pictures of us. A picture tells a thousand words, but ours seemed to be more than that. It truly was a night to remember.