I keep touching the small rose around my neck like it will give me oxygen, like it will stop the darkness that keeps suffocating me, but it just keeps it at bay. I feel like the moon I’m given light in this dark world just because the day love me. I see little bits of light all around me, lights that don’t need anyone else to make it through. Yet here I rest clinging to him for life. I touch the rose, wishing I had a garden of them to keep me safe. He was right it is a remnant of a happy memory, but it’s just not enough. Not with a darkness that suffocates. I need a safe place, a garden full of roses to hide in until everything passes.
I’ve always been too much. I was ready to say goodbye tonight, because I had finally come to the realization of what I’m too much of. I’m too depressed. No one will ever be able to love me because of it. I think about leaving too much. I just want to get out of this cage, and fly away. I know I’m not the bird he’s looking for. I just don’t know how to tell him. How do you tell someone you love them but are afraid of their love? This waking up in the middle of the night is killing me. All of these fears I keep inside feel to real. I don’t want to lose him.
I can’t seem to do anything right. I finally find a way to sleep at night, but it gets taken away. I’m a night owl, my mind buzzes when the sun goes down. That’s why I keep the lights on. I can’t sleep in the dark. It’s not that I fear the dark, it’s just that the light numbs my mind. It’s a freedom I’m rarely allowed, and it is a freedom I was punished for. It’s like getting arrested for walking on the sidewalk… I just can’t do anything right.
I gave you the one thing that no one else had had. For me it was about proving I could love after everything that happened. For you it was about trust. It was about showing me that you wanted me more than you wanted your past.
There is so much love between us, and I don’t want to lose that. I don’t know what I would do without you.
I tore down every wall that I had built, just so I could be with you. I was so ready to give up the world, when you came along and showed me how beautiful the world could be.
You shared pieces of your soul with me, your most intimate parts laid bare. I love you.
I need more a short hug and a quick kiss goodbye won’t cut it anymore. I need you to hold me, to keep me safe and to tell me everything will be alright. I need to fall asleep hearing your voice now more than ever. You don’t understand the cold gets to my head it turns everything dark, no matter how bright it is. Please don’t fight me saying you know me that’s not what I need. I need the man I fell in love with. The man who holds me dearly. Not the man who looks at my body and says damn. You’ve asked me what I dream about, what keeps me up at night… it’s you. You don’t get how terrifying the thought of losing you is. It makes me sick. I don’t sleep, I don’t eat, I just slowly waste away hoping you’ll open your eyes and see that I need more.
I don’t need to see the snow outside to know it’s winter. Winter is something I feel in my bones… to be more precise my wrists. Some days I feel like a drug addict trying to get their next fix. Just one look at the veins and I’m clawing away trying to get a release that no longer belongs to me. Right now happy is a distant memory. I know I love my friends and my family, but they don’t see what I see. Sometimes I feel crazy. I want to get help but no matter who I ask they all seem to say I’m hopeless. I love the darkness too much to give it up, like a Bad lover I can’t get enough. It’s killing me inside… ripping me up. What do I have to do to satiate this hunger? Why can’t a hug be enough?
It is rather impressive what can happen in the short span of a weekend. A lovers quarrel can take place, leaving the lovers to feel empty like the piece of them that kept them together is gone. You can lose all in a weekend. Months of effort wasted as your name comes last on the leaderboards. You can give up. You know you have a lot of work, and that if you don’t finish it now you’ll never get it done on time, but it just doesn’t make sense. So you tell yourself it will make sense tomorrow when I’m not crying. All in a weekend your best friend can find the courage to ask their crush out. All in a weekend… A very short period of time, you can change. For better or for worse. In just one weekend you can go through so much pain… Or you can go through a great deal of happiness. It really just depends on the weekend.