Lately I’ve been trying to look a little closer at life’s little details. I found the most amazing thing when I nuzzled my nose into the crease where his neck meets his shoulder. I discovered this Warmth I had never really felt before. It was even better than his soft lips capturing mine. This warmth had a calmness to it, it seemed to warm my whole body. I thought I knew what cold was but I didn’t not until now, not until the absence of the warmth on his skin.
It always seems like I realize things a little late.
I just had an amazing one year anniversary with a man who instead of being my anchor chose to be my dock.
I just let it blow past like it didn’t matter. I let my mind wander back out into the ocean. I forgot that the most beautiful part of the beach was the seashell ladened sand, and the stunning man who holds my hand as we walk down listening to the waves.
I let the happy blow past.
I’ve always blamed my anger on other things. But now that it is suffocating me I know it’s all my own. A part of me that no one can control. A good man going to war may be fear inducing but have you ever watched a lady laugh and smile with a clenched fist. When a good man goes to war you know what is coming they are blunt. When a lady goes to war however worlds end and they end with a vicious smile being the last thing they see.
Just because I smile does not mean you have escaped my anger. I’m a daughter of war. Anger is what drives me.
I have nothing good to say on this frightful day.
All of the joy and hope I once carried seems to have once again failed me.
I try to keep my chin high, but my soul doesn’t want to follow suit.
I can smile, and force myself to be happy.
It doesn’t last, but I can be happy.
I did it again cut so deep I drew blood. The lion keeps tormenting my thoughts. I didn’t even feel the pain. Everything is numb. I’ve screamed for help so many times that my throat is hoarse. My depression keeps getting worse. If I had something that could cut me to the vein then I’d be dead. Life seems to have lost its meaning. I’m sorry…
I still remember how awe striking he was when I first met hi, now his image seems tainted with the darkness that crowds my mind. I miss the days I didn’t have to hide tears, because none were shed. Now a days they seem to roll down my face with ease. I feel like I’ve lost everything. The love I have for him feels so distant and foreign. I want to tell him but every time I try cowardice strums a cord in my heart and I’m reminded of him shaking in anger because of a simple choice I made. There was so much disappointment in his eyes. My darkness is getting darker and become to large a burden to bare. I want to draw on my wrists until the world fades to nothing.
Darling don’t fear my death. The words I wrote will hold my love for you long after I’m gone. Don’t read them with sorrow, they weren’t what caused my early death. It was the words I didn’t write, the words I ran from at night, the words that were banned in my garden. It was the words they let drip from their poisoned filled mouths that threw the dirt onto my coffin. I stopped telling you about the words because I learned you had been through been worse. I’m sorry love, please read my words with a smile on your face.