I love looking over at you and seeing that smile. I love knowing that you are there right beside me. All my wounds have healed, and the only thing cracking my face is the truth. I cling to the end of my sleeves my knuckles turning white. I’m afraid to reach out for you just to find out it’s a dream. I want to hold your hand because the thought of losing you petrifies me. I can’t lose you. I’ve lost too much. Why do you make me so happy?
He smiles because of me. Me, I make him smile! I’m so happy. I don’t feel worthless anymore. We were walking together today, I was smiling so hard I almost cried. I just feel so safe and free with him. I don’t have to be on guard around him because the past doesn’t matter anymore. I just wish I could hold his hand. We walk so close together and it takes everything I have to not reach out for his hand. I know how weird and creepy that sounds. I love being around him. Damn that smile of his, it’s making me loose my mind.
I’m sitting here hoping life will work itself out because there is nothing I can do. Why am I falling for you? I wish things were different. I’m at the point where I’m wishing wishes came true. Your eyes do things to me that I can’t describe. Please don’t leave. I’m wishing it was over just as much as you. I thought I was crazy before, but now I’ve completely lost it. I used to live for writing, now I live for your hugs, your sweet smell, your contagious smile. I guess you could say I live for you.
The pain of yesterday will no longer hold me back. I will not hide anymore. I am me, and no one will change that. I am beautiful and smart. I will no longer let the past hold me back. The pain of yesterday has haunted me for long enough. I’m finally ready to live today. I no longer walk this road alone. I have friends who are there for me. People who care so much about me I can’t even put it into words. I’m finally free from the pain.
I have never been so afraid of losing someone. My best friend was pissed when she found out. I felt so worthless. I think I love him. Why did I try to push him away? Why am I terrified? Most people have no problem loving, but it terrifies me. I don’t want to be that open with someone just to find out it’s a fling to them. I keep trying to tell myself that it won’t work, that a year isn’t long enough, that we both have too much on our plates, but when I look at you the world fades away and I’m happy again. I keep hoping that if I really believe it won’t work, I’ll stop thinking about him, stop thinking about how much I want to be with him.
I don’t know what I would do without him. Amo Julius, but I can’t tell him. I don’t know what to do. Telling him won’t change anything, just make me feel a little better. Telling him would probably make things worse. It’s bad enough that I can’t look at him without wanting to kiss him, and that it takes everything I have not to reach for his hand when we walk together. It’s driving me crazy, but I can’t let him know. I try so hard to fight the depression, but it’s about to win. I have to push him away. I can’t let him get hurt because of me. If I tell him he’ll leave, so why can’t I say it. Amo Julius.
I can’t stop thinking about him, but I have to. These thoughts are killing me. I’m not sure I’ll be able to fake the smile anymore. I’m practically in love with him. I wish we could be together, but wishes don’t come true. He taught me that. I fell like I’ve been tore apart. He makes me so happy, but as soon as he’s gone I’m balling my eyes out. I don’t want him to leave, but it would be selfish of me to ask him to stay. I just want to be with him. Just for tonight can we pretend airplanes are shooting stars, I could really use a wish right now.