An army of silence. Do you know how terrifying that would be? An army so fiercesome even birds run from it. An army all marching as one not a single sound muttered between soldiers. An army so fiercest needs an opponent though. Who would be willing to stand against them? I doubt they would dull their swords on innocent civilians. No they need an underdog. Someone they would never suspect. What about you? Would you stand against them?
If you are willing to stand against them, why won’t you stand against depression(or some other great big ugly caus)?
If you are no willing to, read the first paragraph over and over until it seems silly and cliche.
I don’t have the energy to make this poetic. I’m scared and tired, but I can’t sleep. We are taught that our parents will protect us no matter what. That is complete and udder horse shit! Parents order and control. They say it’s tough love, but where is the love? I won’t submit anymore! I’ll deal with the pain of walking a thousand miles if it means I get to spit in your face. I wil not only survive the storm, I will thrive in it!
It sucks being better, but still feeling the pain knaw on your insides. I’m starting to think people like me really don’t get better. Then I look at him and it’s like he’s a spotlight. The darkness, the bad thoughts, all of it goes away. I can actually smile from the pain. He Told me to write about what makes me happy, and that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
He is my everything the way he smiles, and the way his eyes shine when he looks at me. Just everything about him. I can be free. I don’t know what I would do without him.
(I love you most);p
Last night the only thought that crossed my mind was I wish I had cut deeper. I have been pushed beyond my breaking point. He didn’t want me to leave. He begged and begged. In a way it made me want to leave more. I couldn’t be responsible for his pain. It is a selfish, and deadly desire. I tried so hard to be happy. I just don’t think I can be anymore. Not with all the yelling. I can never do anything right. I just don’t know anymore.
I walked over to him. He extended his hand and I followed. Every few minutes he would look back and smile. Every time I smiled back. He leads me off the trail to the edge of a lake. “I want to give you the world, and all of the stars, but the best I can do is the moon.” He reached down to the water and I watched as the bottle filled with the water that had just reflected the moon. He handed me the bottle I was to caught up in the moment to think about the consequences.
I feel it slowly sinking back in. I know what comes next, I know that the numbness is only the calm before the storm. I know that the pain that is seeping into my chest is saying it’s too late. I’m trying to fight it. I feel like I’ve been tricked. Like someone was testing me and I failed. I remember a time when I could escape into my words, but now they feel false. I just want to get better.
Everytime I look at him I become terrified. I can’t lose him, but old habits die hard. I have been with too many people who don’t want me because I’m funny, but rather because I’m “hot”. I became someone else because of it. Someone I don’t want to be. Someone who is sluty, and needy. He deserves better. He deserves a girl who looks in the mirror and thinks she’s beautiful, not a girl who avoids them because no amount of makeup can fix her depression. I want him to be happy. He says me being here makes him happy, but really all I’m doing is stopping him from finding the girl he deserves. I keep trying to fight these awful thoughts. I want to get better. Sometimes I wish I had wings so I could fly away. I know it sounds selfish, but he would be better off without me.