I remember that night. It was before we got together. It wasn’t the first time I was ready to give everything up. You stayed up all night trying to stop me. We weren’t together yet. You had no reason to stop me. You gained nothing out of it, except for bags under your eyes the next day. It was a school night. I felt so guilty for keeping you up, but you said it was better than me being dead.
I left for camp terrified you wouldn’t love me when I got back. So terrified in fact I didn’t tell any of the guys to fuck off. I’ve been heart broken so many times that I was sure that you wouldn’t love me. The third day at camp I had started going numb, started turning back into a fighter. The first night back I was ready to give you up. For eleven days I had prepared, but you still loved me.
Now tonight you are fast asleep. I tried to fall asleep. I starred at the ceiling for an hour and a half. I thought about yesterday. I felt so normal going to one of your games. I never really wanted a family, never seemed like I should have one, but lying next to you it seemed like I could have one.
Nothing is wrong, but my heart hurts and my body is numb. You told me if I couldn’t sleep to message you. You have a long day tomorrow. I hate seeing bags under your eyes and knowing they are from me. You asked me if I love you. Of course I do. Why do you think I stay. You say I’m beautiful, I know you won’t think that for long though. That’s why I struggle to say thank you. I don’t want to get used to being beautiful in your eyes just for you to suddenly change your mind.
Have you ever been so consumed by darkness that you don’t see what is in front of you? I thought the darkness would always be consuming me. Then I spent a whole day lying next to him. when he kissed my scars, it was like he was kissing them away. Lying next to him cartoons playing in the background for his little brother, I felt like I could have a family. It is strange the feeling of normal I get around him. I really do love him.
The darkness doesn’t consume you forever.
I often find myself wondering what other people think. Some where out there, there is a long word for it. For this story if you will that word does not matter.
This desire to know what people think has lead me to ask questions. Questions that seem to force people to lose trust in me.
I want to know what the lion thinks of me, I want to be welcomed into his pride, but the grey hound has already claimed me as a member of his pack. It would be rude to go back on a promise. Especially if it is just to take a chance. The grey hound says he loves me and always will, but then he goes silent. All I know about the lion though is that he gives me a chance at my old life.
Should I howl at the moon, or should I roar.
All of this would be so much easier if the lion and the grey hound were upfront with their feelings.
Don’t get too close, I’m dangerous. Haven’t you heard the rumors. I’m not meant to be loved. I hurt people. I am fire. From a far I am beautiful, but up close all I do is burn. I am a lioness. To a lion I am loyal, but lion do not live among men. I am darkness’ lover. I let him consume me, because no one else understood me. Don’t get too close, I am fire, I am a lioness, I am consumed by darkness, I am… Hot to the touch.
I was wrong all along. It wasn’t the blue eyed demons that I should have feared, but rather the brown eyed angels. I should have known only trouble would come from those brown eyes. Maybe I liked them so much because I saw my sweet jam in them. Maybe it was the fact that this brown eyed angle smiled while he fought, that made him trouble. Most people run from a lion, me I just show the lion that he’s not alone. Maybe that was my mistake, maybe being a lioness who is not afraid to show her claws was my down fall. I should have just let this ink covered world consume me.
I have to make a choice. Be the proud lioness I once was, or drown in ink.
I feel alone. No choice seems to be better than the other. My sweet lover wants to make the lioness inside me a circus act. I love him. God I really love him, but I can’t keep jumping through hoops. Lions were meant to be free. I wish he understood that, I wish instead of chaining me he ran with me.
When I fought this new man I saw the smile of a lion. I don’t think one lion is worth giving up the whole circus for. I’m in this awful limbo. The circus cages me, but it also gives me warmth and safety. This lion promises my old life, but I’ve been apart of the circus to long to be taken seriously as a lion.
My heart is torn between the life I have grown to love, and the life I had before everything got bad.
An army of silence. Do you know how terrifying that would be? An army so fiercesome even birds run from it. An army all marching as one not a single sound muttered between soldiers. An army so fiercest needs an opponent though. Who would be willing to stand against them? I doubt they would dull their swords on innocent civilians. No they need an underdog. Someone they would never suspect. What about you? Would you stand against them?
If you are willing to stand against them, why won’t you stand against depression(or some other great big ugly caus)?
If you are no willing to, read the first paragraph over and over until it seems silly and cliche.
I don’t have the energy to make this poetic. I’m scared and tired, but I can’t sleep. We are taught that our parents will protect us no matter what. That is complete and udder horse shit! Parents order and control. They say it’s tough love, but where is the love? I won’t submit anymore! I’ll deal with the pain of walking a thousand miles if it means I get to spit in your face. I wil not only survive the storm, I will thrive in it!