Today is special, let me rephrase that, the last five months have been special. I’m finally getting better, finally smiling. It’s because of him. He has stayed in my life even when I would have left. He has loved me unconditionally. I wish I could show him how much he means to me. He doesn’t know what I would give up to be with him, what I have given up to be with him, and what I’m trying to give up. I haven’t let crimson trails run down my wrist in so long. The strangest thing is I want a family with him. Something I’ve never wanted, I didn’t even want a husband. Here I am though, wishing I could have a house with white picket fences and a corgi.
All the doubt is washing away. I love him.
I used to have a ton of friends, but I always felt alone. They helped put the scars on my wrist. I don’t blame them though. I learned a valuable lesson, quality over quantity. My blue eyed friend came to me on a whim. We would have never talked had it not been for that one day, where everything just fell right. I’m so glad it did. I don’t know what I would have done without her. She’s helped me keep my head above the water.
Without her I wouldn’t have accidentally texted my curly haired soon to be lover.
Watching my now lover talk is like watching the stars come out at night. It fills me with a sweet bliss. Just like my blue eyed friend, he’s kept me alive.
Great things come in pairs.
I need to write. You will never understand. As a kid my mom used to tell me to draw my nightmares, and to rip them up. That was how I proved to my demons I was stronger. Soon the nightmares gave up. But they didn’t give up forever. When they came back, they came back stronger. I tried to draw them, but they were immune to that attack. So I wrote about them, day and night I wrote.
Writing was like holding a torch in a dark hallway, or like sitting by a fire at night. It keeps the darkness away as long as I keep fueling it. I need to write. To keep sane.
We had all day together. Still doesn't seem like enough. You started to say goodbye and I was already missing you. In that moment I wished harder than I ever had. I wished that your house and my house would refer to the same thing, but it doesn't. All the hugs and kisses in the wold aren't enough to stop that empty feel I get when you're not around. I need you in my life. Even the roughest road wouldn't make me think twice about that. I love you JRC. You are my one and only.
Can we pretend that airplanes in the night sky are like shootin' stars?
I could really use a wish right now.
Okay, so I'm going to rant. This is a serious matter though.
Have you ever been watching a movie where there is a plane crash? Now the plane crashes and the main person seems to think that planes fly themselves (we are ignoring the fact that they are the only ones to survive, unless they have a kid). Planes need pilots. Pilots are really cool people too, like you shouldn't just dis them.
Now I know a few movies include the pilot, but a few isn't enough. Just remember them if you get into a plane crash.
I feel better now.
They say the pen is mightier than the sword because it can rewrite history. But the sword makes history. Trust me when I say the rewrite is the easy part. There are a thousand tools to help edit, but only the writer can write the first draft.
The pen is mighty but not mightier than the sword. Just like ying is not mightier than yang.
What would you like?
That’s simple I want him. I want a future where I go to sleep in his arms. I want a life that has me waiting with our beautiful child, for my handsome man to come home. I want to know that I’ll see him every night.
Oh yes. I couldn’t think of a better life. Who wouldn’t want to sit on their couch on an off day and kick their lover’s butt in any video game? I know what my future holds, if I play my cards right. I know what I want.
What do you want?
I want him, for the rest of my life.